The air is cooling, the monarchs are migrating, Oktoberfest bier has found its way to the coolers at Miller and Sons. And before our daylight hours really start to dwindle, let’s all take a minute or two and make resolution for fall.
You’ve been diligent and committed all year. It’s been difficult. But despite your best efforts, those five to ten pounds just haven’t happened. But the year’s not over and you can still add the weight you’ve been looking forward to all year.
I have an idea that might work. It’s a three-part plan that you can do, you should do, every night if you’re up for it. Here are the basics:
1. Sit down with your feet up.
2. Sip on something and snack on something.
3. Spend the rest of your energy reading that book open on your lap. Turn those pages tenderly until the weight and work of the day fall from your shoulders and brow, and the leaden aches in your back and feet slip away.
After all that, your day and night are over, and it’s time to sleep. This is the free bonus step in my plan. It may not help you tack on that extra mass before New Year’s, but it won’t hurt, and you’re gonna love it if you can perfect it.
“Hey,” you’re probably skepti-thinking. “Hey, how am I going to fit this demanding regimen of eating and reading into my evening? I only have so much free time for myself, idiot.”
Well, there’s no need for the rancor. But since we’re getting personal, let me tell you how I devised this method. I didn’t consult a panel of experts and academics. No doctors, trainers or geneticists came to my office and brainstormed with me. Nope, I thought of this all on my own. Also it was partly my mother’s idea.* And though she does have a PhD, and she did teach at multiple universities, she doesn’t make me call her, “doctor” … anymore.
Here was how it happened. My mother had a yearly physical. Her doctor said she was in good health, but could use some more exercise and cut back on carbohydrates in her diet. She told her doctor the problem with that was she didn’t like to do that. My mother suggested a better thing would be to eat bread, drink some wine and relax with a good mystery. When she told me this story, I knew right then, right there, that I would steal it.
The best part about this method was that I hardly had to change anything in my life, and any changes it fosters in yours will only be for the good. Allow me to ramble about the first step, sitting down with your feet up.
I was already a professional-level sitter-with-my-feet-upper-er, so this part was easy. In fact, mastery of this skill is pretty attainable for most Americans. I’d have to guess that we are among the world’s best sitters-with-our-feet-up by any metric. One last thing on this topic so you don’t take your proficiency for granted: I think that far more often that we realize, we are only as comfortable as our feet. If your feet are cold, sore, cramped or just tired, then the rest of you won’t feel much different. So treat your feet, give them some love. Okay, that’s all about sitting.
Maybe get a fresh pair of socks on? That’s always nice.
Moving on.
This next point is important; really, it’s the key to adding some insulation and cuddliness to your figure before the holidays are over. Snacks and drinks. My favorite bounces between a peanut-butter sandwich and a Hostess Golden Cupcake. For a drink, coffee or whiskey. The coffee will be hot with one cream and a sprinkle of sugar. Coffee Regular. The whiskey will be poured over an ice cube or neat with the smallest droplets of water shaken from a wet fork. For me, the mug for my coffee, or the glass for my whiskey, is as vital as the drink itself. My advice is to really take note of your favorites and go for maximum enjoyment every night. That sounds like a fortune cookie. I shall leave it to your discretion to add “in bed” at this point.
What’s next? The final part of my master class in how to live your life the way I want you to:
Read that book.
If you’re a habitual reader, this will be nearly as easy as the sitting down bit. But if you’re not a person who reads often, then the search for a place to start can be disheartening prospect. This is where I started. I didn’t know what kind of book I might like, but I knew I liked comedy. So I grabbed a few books by comedians: Bossy Pants by Tina Fey, and Jim Gaffigan’s book, Food: A Love Story. These are basically funny autobiographies. And the really funny thing was that I found these in the non-fiction section, a section I had avoided since school. And from that shelf of new non-fiction, a bunch of other books that looked interesting jumped right into my library bag. It has a picture of a compass on it and is captioned, “Stay true to your path” Ugh. I need a bag with a better cliché on it.
Nevertheless, I was hooked faster than I thought I would be. Soon, other shelves opened up to my eyes: graphic novels, fiction, histories, poetry. There is a lot of funny, funny, poetry out there. I even dared myself to read some Russian literature. It surprised me when I found my new favorite book — Sketches From a Hunter’s Album by Ivan Turgenev — because of this dare. In his stories, Russian steppes feel like Nebraska prairie. It was incredible and humbling that a place and time so far removed could feel so close to home.
And that’s the extent of it. It’s a pretty good routine. I don’t set my phone aside every night, nor leave my PS4 idle. For me, managing the settlements of the Commonwealth of Fallout 4 is as gratifying as re-reading The Grapes of Wrath (my former favorite, edged out by Turgenev). But I think of this plan the way some people think of exercise. If I stick to it at least a few times a week, I’ll be getting sleep, resting my dogs, easing my brain, enjoying a drink, and by January first I’ll have a head start on next year’s resolution: new and bigger pants.
* It was 100 percent my mother’s idea.
– Micah Clarke