I often wonder, where did the obsession and dream to be “normal” come from?
Go to a normal school, get a normal job, buy a normal house, have a normal marriage, birth and raise normal children so that they too can fit in and grow up to be normal.
I never had a problem with this normal dream. In fact, I shared in this dream and was living it for most of my life.
I graduated from college, married my high school sweetheart, got pregnant, bought a house in a normal little subdivision and was living the “normal dream” complete with a very normal back deck for grilling.
Fast forward to today and we are so far from that original dream of ‘normal’ (though we still do have a grill). Our eldest son was born with a complex and diverse set of health challenges that has made his life (and ours) tumultuous and miraculous … and not very “normal.”
With the most beautiful of intentions, people will sometimes try to compliment us and say, “Luka looks so normal. You would never know there is anything wrong with him.” I’ve even caught myself saying, “If you met him, you would never guess what he has been through or that he is different.”
The programming to be normal and to make people comfortable and pleased by our own existence was so deeply engrained.
Our life no longer fits in the “normal” range. It never will. And neither will our son. That is one of the many gifts he was born with. The challenge and invitation for me as his parent is to let go of what I thought our life and our son were “supposed to be.” To accept, to grieve and let go, over and over again. To surrender any expectation for how he is supposed to act, grow, learn or be in any fleeting and precious moment. To put aside my own need and want to be accepted and appreciated as normal and pleasing as I create a space for all of us to be and thrive as our whole selves.
This is messy and vulnerable work, and far from “normal” for it has forced me to face all parts of myself. I have learned to let go of the popular obsession with “self-improvement’ in the pursuit of normal and perfection. Instead, I am on a journey of relearning to deeply tend and care to my own wholeness and goodness, just as I am, as I strive to create an environment for my children, and the world, to thrive in, as they are.
Our son continues to shatter our perceptions of reality and what life is “supposed” to be. The only thing we know for sure is that there is so much we do not know. As we stand in the raw discomfort of not knowing, his journey reminds us not to take ourselves so seriously.
It has always been our intention to create a nurturing environment for children to grow, learn and thrive in. What we didn’t realize was that the real challenge and mission would be learning how to create space for ourselves to do the same.
This is my life’s work. For my children. For myself. For this world.
We are not striving to be normal. We aren’t even striving to be different. We are simply striving to be and bring our whole selves to this wild and precious life.
Photo by Malory Ogrizovich.
Malory Ogrizovich is a writer, certified life coach, wife and mother of two boys. She lives in a farmhouse in Southeastern Wisconsin. Learn more about her work and her story at authenticlivingcommunity.com.