I say it every holiday or family gathering as we are leaving the house.
“Ryan, today we are taking a nice family picture!” A mission we have failed countless times.
This time, I was certain, would be different. This time, we were set up for success and I was expecting that were going to finally capture the “ideal family photo.”
You know the photo I’m talking about.
The photo of the family in coordinating clothing, sitting together in an organic and well poised fashion, all looking attractive, clean, attentive and happy.
My cousin had artfully and elegantly pinned my hair to my head, I had clumsily applied layers of make-up and put on a very pretty dusty rose colored dress. Ryan had trimmed his grizzly beard and was wearing a crisp navy suit. The boys wore matching outfits with suspenders and hats and there was a professional photographer present.
When it was time, it was everything I could do to convince Milan to keep half of his clothes on. He was down to his T-shirt, socks and pants, was drenched in sweat and wanting nothing to do with anything that wasn’t playing in the grass with his cousins.
Meanwhile, Luka had retreated from the group completely and was sitting beneath a tree, rooted and unwilling to move.
Feeling the familiar drop of disappointment in my gut, laced with the tight clench of self-pity in my chest, I told the photographer to forget about our family photo.
After all, she was there to capture my sister’s wedding, not wrestle the sweaty, messy and emotional Ogrizovich family into a neat and tidy ideal family photo.
Letting her camera down from her face, the photographer paused and asked with a gentle curiosity, “Why don’t just go sit by him under the tree?”
I stood there in a daze for a moment, as her words rested on my heart.
It was so simple, and still, I needed to hear them.
“… just go sit by him under the tree.”
The ‘thing’ is never really about the ‘thing.’
What was unfolding in my own inner world was never about the family photo. My pursuit of the ideal family photo was a microcosm of how I tend to navigate so many areas of my life. Once again, I found myself grasping for control and certainty as chaos danced messily around me.
Desperate to not cause trouble, conflict, disruption or unease, my need to please and be good, normal and orderly had gone into hyper drive, sending my whole system into war with itself.
As a parent to a child with a rare disorder, neurocognitive disorders and Autism Spectrum Disorder, I am beginning to realize that the real battle, for me, is with the very idea of disorder.
The word disorder stems from the Latin word ordinare, which translates to ordain. The very idea of disorder relies on a person’s decree, opinion or judgement of what is orderly, functional and acceptable.
What if this relentless pursuit of order and “normalcy” is the real disorder?
For me, the more I grasp on to my desperate attempts to manage, control and bring “order,” the more suffering and overwhelm I experience.
To stand in the excruciating discomfort of uncertainty and chaos with courage, compassion and curiosity is the work of my life and, I believe, this time.
To embrace the chaos, soften and let go of my own expectations and harsh pressure to be good, right or ‘normal’ so that I can find my way back to my Self, and sit by my son beneath a tree … this is my work.
This is the journey we are on together.
Returning to the life that is alive within and around us, remembering our own wholeness and reclaiming our ability to choose how we show up for this moment, and every moment after.
And so, here we are in our ideal family photo.
Sitting together beneath a tree, showing up for ourselves and one another just as we are, trusting that we have everything we need to navigate the life that is right here, and the life that lies ahead.
To me, this is truly the ideal family photo.
Mission accomplished.
Deep gratitude to my husband, children and to the team of photographers at c.mae design – you are all truly magic.
Malory Ogrizovich is a writer, certified life coach, wife and mother of two boys. She lives in a farmhouse in Southeastern Wisconsin. Learn more about her work and her story at authenticlivingcommunity.com.