For Rubina Martini and Isaiah Miller, home is where and how you choose to make it. While the two spent many years in the Pacific Northwest and elsewhere, they have settled into a beautiful life in Central Wisconsin, and they’re living it on their own terms.
In addition to running Tomorrow River Homestead in Nelsonville, they are parents to Wild, whom they are raising free of gender constraints and expectations, including using the pronouns “they” and “them.”
Rubina shares more!
Where did you and your partner grow up?
Isaiah, I call him Zay, was born in his family’s home in Milwaukee, Oregon. He grew up with his three older biological siblings and a foster sister. I was born in the Cherokee hospital in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, but shortly after moved to Pasadena, California. I was raised by my grandparents for many years. However, when I was nine I lived with my mother for a few months, then my father in Oklahoma and some foster care facilities before getting back to Southern California.
What brought you to Wisconsin?
I have been rambling the United States since I was nineteen. I spent four years in Upstate New York, some time in Austin and generally traveled the country before settling in Portland. I lived there for four years when a friend asked me to visit them in Wisconsin one winter. I fell in love with the area and moved to Wild Rose for a little over a year. After some time abroad, I ended up going back to Portland. That’s when Zay and I met.
Zay had gone to college in Corvallis, Oregon, and worked as a wildland firefighter before we met. When we started dating, I wanted to take him everywhere. We first traveled to the coast, then Austin, and we bought tickets to Mexico. I was most excited to bring him to Wisconsin, though. He thought I was joking. After my time here I always knew I wanted to make it my “forever home” and he was turning out to be my “forever person.” We visited in June 2017 and he moved out two weeks later. I wrapped up our life in Portland and joined him three months later.
What do you both do for work/careers?
I had a hunch we could find a quality of life that is hard to come by in super hip cities. Markets are saturated with so many creatives vying for the same jobs. I was excited for Zay to have an opportunity to find something he was good at and loved. He works at Northwind Renewable Energy Cooperative. They install solar around Wisconsin.
My work is a bit more … scattered. I run Tomorrow River Homestead, an Airbnb/homestead/artist residency space. I recently opened Process General Store, a low-waste, package-free refill store. During the school year I meet with a group of young creatives between the ages of ten and twelve to facilitate their art and feminist practices. And lastly, I build websites and do creative direction for different projects around the area.
What led you to Tomorrow River Homestead? What is your vision for the place and what has it been like running it?
On the trip out here with Zay back in 2017, I asked him if he would want to move out here. He said yes, but he was worried about finding work and housing. The next morning while getting coffee at Ruby Coffee in Nelsonville, I ran into an acquaintance and got to chatting. When I said we were interested in moving out, he offered Zay a job doing concrete and offered us (what is now) the homestead to live in. I had a “meant to be” feeling.
The place was terrifying when we got it. But from the moment I walked in I saw the potential for something very unique and fun. I knew I wanted it to be a community creative space. We just couldn’t have anticipated how much work that would take. Every single appliance broke when we moved in, pipes busted, the roof leaked and so on. Three years later and we finally don’t regret it.
The space has become a hub for artists and residents from across the country. We also get travelers from all over the Midwest looking to explore the area. Being just two hours from Milwaukee and Madison means lots of people looking for an easy getaway. Everyone is always surprised by how much there is to do in Central Wisconsin. I can easily fill up someone’s weekend bucket list with suggestions. It’s probably my favorite part of the “job.”
Not only did you move across the country and start new work, but you also recently became parents. What has all this change been like for you both?
Yes! We just celebrated Wild’s nine month.
When I lived here previously, I had met the women from In the Beginning midwifery and knew I wanted them as midwives someday. So when Zay and I were getting priced out of Portland, reevaluating life’s meaning and thinking about the prospects of someday having “Baby RueZayZay” (our preconception baby name), we knew we would be in loving hands.
We have talked about parenthood since our first month of making out. It was something I had chosen not to follow through with once before but knew it would happen when it was meant to. Starting a family was so important to us that in a way family planning has defined us from the beginning. It feels as if we have been making family decisions since we partnered. The transition to having a real life baby amongst has come very naturally.
To be honest, the one thing we always agree on is how to be with Wild and how to raise them. Even when we, like everyone else, can find things to bicker about, parenting is something we can center ourselves on. Our relationship encompasses being best friends, lovers, business partners and parents. There is a lot there and we work to respect each as their own.
Please tell us about Wild!
Wild Omaha Waters was born November 2019 off the living room of our homestead. We chose Wild because our neighbor saw the Wild Feminist onesie we got and thought it was a cute name. It was in reading Practice of the Wild by Gary Snyder where the author defines the “wild” that I knew there was no other name for a child of ours. Omaha is to honor my grandmother’s Native lineage; it means “upstream” or I have read in some places “against the current.” Zay doesn’t have a particularly close connection to his surname. We were going to use mine, but Wild Martini has a certain ring to it best to be chosen rather than given. Waters felt right, like a fresh start or their own beginning.
Oh, and we have chosen to raise Wild gender-free/gender-creative. We use “they/them” pronouns when referring to them.
Why have you chosen to raise Wild gender-free? What is your approach?
We want to make sure that Wild grows up with all the possibilities and freedom of expression. Gender has taken over identity, for everyone. In the wake of gender reveal parties, plus hyper-gendered toys and clothes, it is easy to get trapped within the norms of the gender binary. Babies and kids listen when you tell them who they are and the whole world is set up to put kids in these neat boxes. It’s more than gender — it’s temperament, personality type, abilities, et cetera.
Wild couldn’t care less what clothes we put on them, and I mean they would prefer we didn’t put any on. So to me, if I spent this first year of their life putting them in a particular color or style that fit a gender, it would just be me telling them what they should like. Gender, from my own personal experience, comes with many predetermined concepts of who we should be. I spent years working through those and I hope this choice provides Wild more space to just be a kid rather than fitting into being a boy or a girl.
We try to not categorize Wild. We respect this time in their life as one of exploration. Zay and I are hyper aware of our roles and how we reflect gender. We both yield the powertools, cook and do laundry. We split the time of the primary parent in half; I have the weekdays and he has the evenings and weekends. They see us both learning to balance the emotional labor of the home and the physical work it takes to keep it all going.
What are your favorite things to do as a family?
We love cooking and eating together. There is so much good food grown in Central Wisconsin. We cherish meal prep time, and since Wild was born we have centered around the meal. We love going to the lake, which there are so many of. Access to water is a main reason we moved here. Floating, canoeing and swimming are the best. And a new thing is family haircuts. We are learning to cut each other’s hair, but we don’t suggest doing it with a crawling baby.
There’s never enough time to do everything, so what do you prioritize as a family? What do you always make time for?
Just being together. It has been hard with how much work it took to build our home and business. We worked almost every day for two years before Wild was born. I mean, I was laying hardwood floors when I was seven months pregnant and we hosted a two-day workshop at eight months. It can be hard to remember to stop and be present. We make time for that every day now that Wild is with us. Nothing is so important that it takes precedent over all of us. I really had to learn that.
What do you like most about living in Wisconsin?
We love the actual seasons. Having snow is a winter land reprieve. We also love that the bodies of water warm up. Coming from the Pacific Northwest, where all the rivers are freezing, we appreciate the standing bathwater feel of a clear, quaint lake. But even better are the people we can swim with. The community in Wisconsin was the number-one draw. Not having traditional families, or even much family at all, has been difficult. However, in Wisconsin there is no shortage of chosen family we spend our day to day or even holidays rambling with.
What do you hope the experience of living in Wisconsin means for Wild?
We hope Wild knows what it feels like to come home. I remember every time I would travel from Wisconsin, whether I was weekending in Minneapolis or traveling Europe, it felt so good to get back. I left for two years and moved back to Portland between 2015 and 2017, and for the first time since I was child I felt homesick. I never felt that when I would leave Los Angeles, Austin or Albany. Maybe a little from Portland, but not in the same way the Upper Midwest calls to a person. Our hope is Wild feels like Wisconsin is home and they can always come back to it.
We want Wild to experience a rural upbringing that offers a different feel than the urban space Zay and I know so well. Things like hunting and fishing, quick access to trails and nature. While we experienced those things growing up, they weren’t in our backyards. It was always a couple hours to get to mountains, desserts or shorelines. Here, we live on ten acres with a river, lake and community sanctuary in our backyard.
What are the most important things to teach your child?
Respecting the body when it needs something. Listening to our heart when it feels something. Learning to be true to the self while respecting others. We want Wild to be free to explore themself and the world, to be curious and love learning.
While there are all these beautiful things we want our child to learn, though, there is also the truth. Our baby is born with so much privilege just because of their skin color and the socio-economic position Zay and I are working for. We want to make sure Wild feels the world is open to them, but recognize that they have certain privileges not everyone else gets. With the systemic oppression so many face, we hope Wild comes into adulthood with the tools to dismantle it any way they can.
We want to raise a child that feels confident navigating a world that they need to share with people who have been kept from so much. It’s a heavy answer, but one we talk about regularly in our home.
Katie Vaughn is the editor and co-founder of Northerly. She is a University of Wisconsin-Madison and Stanford University-trained journalist with experience as a writer, reporter, editor, blogger and author. She lives in Madison with her husband, daughter and son, and is always up for an adventure.